In a move that's sure to send your therapist into overtime, the CFTC has given the green light to perpetual crypto futures contracts. Because what's more fun than trading cryptocurrencies 24/7 and driving yourself slowly insane? Coinbase and Kalshi are already cashing in on this madness, and we can't wait for our sleep patterns to be completely disrupted by the constant ping of trading alerts. The CFTC may have 'issued notices' and all that jazz, but let's be real – they're just enabling our collective addiction to staring at screens and making questionable financial decisions.