Get ready to rage-quit the country, folks! The Supreme Court has just greenlit birthright citizenship for all US-born babies, regardless of their parents' immigration status. That's right, America - we're talking automatic American citizenship for every newborn, whether they're born to undocumented immigrants or actual aliens from planet Zorgon. And don't even get us started on the "anchor baby" conspiracy theories that are now officially debunked.

In a 6-to-3 vote, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the majority opinion, tracing the origins of birthright citizenship back to our nation's founding. Yeah, because nothing says "America" like babies born on US soil getting automatic citizenship - except maybe actually working for it and going through a naturalization process like everyone else.

But don't worry, Trumpsters - your boy Brett Kavanaugh didn't completely abandon ship. He would have struck down Trump's executive order on birthright citizenship based on a 1952 law, but left the door open for Congress to put limits on babies born to people who are in the US illegally or on temporary visas. Because what's more "Murican" than exploiting loopholes and grandstanding on immigration issues?

In other news, the Supreme Court also decided that states can ban transgender girls from participating in sports at publicly funded schools - because, you know, fair competition only matters when it comes to cisgender athletes.

And finally, Colorado voters went wild in their primary elections, electing a democratic socialist (yes, you read that right) as the Democratic nominee for a House seat. Melat Kiros is now set to take on an incumbent Republican in November - and we can't wait to see which one comes out on top in this battle of progressive vs. conservative ideologies.

All hail democracy, where anyone can become a politician with enough social media savvy and a cute smile!